I was privileged enough to grow up in a Christian home as a child. As a result of this, I believe that I was saved at a relatively young age. I have always grown up knowing the truth; maybe not as clearly and as deeply as I do now, but even so, I had an idea of who Jesus was and that He had died for my sins.
At a young age, my parents divorced and I watched as my family started to break a part. I was very young and didn’t quite realize what exactly was happening, but I still feel the repercussions to this day. I thank the Lord that He protected my heart through this by allowing me to be so young during their split. I do remember having a chat with my mom about Heaven and if I’m going to go there or not and then giving my heart to the Lord. I still am not sure if I was saved at this time but I do remember caring so deeply about some friends at my school and wanting to be friends with the people that others didn’t. I can’t be sure if this was truly a heart transformation or a want to look good to the world.
Years later I found myself in a place where I thought I would be happy; in high school, dating and upper classmen, doing cheerleading. What more could a girl ask for right? Just as soon as I got comfortable with this life, I found out that I had a back injury. Two surgeries and a breakup later, I was left without anything else to cling to. At first I was angry and heartbroken, but even just a day after that high school breakup, my heart was full.
I wasn’t angry, I had the Lord and He was enough. Sure, I wasn’t fully perfect with this thinking and began to fall into an obsession with boys. All I could think about was getting another boyfriend to fill the void. I talked with so many different guys – guys I knew didn’t love the Lord.
I began to fall out of doing my devotions daily and skipping church sometimes. I knew it was wrong, but I pushed it to the back of my head. I was finally at the point that I was in a relationship with an unbeliever; it felt so wrong that I had to end it. That night was the first night I didn’t get a goodnight text from a boy in probably years. The following day this cute guy, and my now husband, and I started talking again and he was different. He loved the Lord. After we began to date just weeks later, I started attending His church. I finally started getting fed The Word. My relationship with the Lord, which had been put on hold, started to grow more and more. In the midst of my sin of idolizing relationships, God gave me a wakeup call and brought me back to His feet.
As I began to grow more in my relationship with the Lord, I started to question my faith. “Did I think the right things?” “Did I feel the right things?” Questions I’d pushed back for years, but now I had no choice, but to think about them. These questions started to overwhelm me and I had countless conversations with my boyfriend, soon to be husband, about these thoughts. I let it start to creep into my life so much that it started to make me physically sick. For weeks, I would always have this tugging of my heart “Are you saved!?” – Every testimony I heard always pulled me back to “Are you saved? Did you feel that way?” I felt so alone because no one around me seemed to have similar thoughts. I was too embarrassed to ask anyways. But one day, I heard a testimony of a woman at church who had a similar testimony to mine except that she overcame those thoughts! My heart jumped and I knew that I had to talk with her. Weeks later I met two more people with the same thoughts and they shared with me their solutions. Months later I finally started to grasp what was going on. The Devil takes control of your mind and starts to twist things to make you no longer effective for Christ. I was so focused on trying to get the feeling of being saved that I wasn’t growing or living in joy! I selfishly wanted a feeling when all I needed to do is ask myself if I believed the gospel.
“Do I believe that I am a sinner?”
“Do I believe that Jesus came down to earth as a man while also still fully being God?”
“Do I believe that His death and resurrection cover my sins in the sight of God and that He is my mediator?”
So what else is there?
“… if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.” (Romans 10:9-10)
It is not a feeling or something I can fully understand, but having faith in Jesus is just that; faith that He truly has saved you! Even though I never saw an exact moment when I was transformed, there was a moment. Even though I’m not sure when it happened, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!
I am still fighting the battle of doubts. Some weeks are better than others but spiritual warfare is exhausting and no one can see that you’re going through it. Talking to people about it and having them pray and encourage me was one of the best things that I have done, but the most important thing I did was go to my Lord and give the fight to Him. When Jesus walked the earth He said these words,
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my Yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matt 11:28-30)